Amarula – Page 2 – Sandra MacGregor

Squirrel Hunt, Feline Style!

November 9, 2015/3 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: As you know, squirrels are one of the bane’s of my existence. Out of sheer desperation to rid myself and my territory of those little furry balls of ferociousness, I have actually lowered myself to enlist the aid of yet another bane of my existence: Zulu.

Today the plan is to teach Zulu how to hunt squirrels so that he can help me clear out my beloved backyard (later I will worry about clearing Zulu out!).

Alright Zulu, the first step is to assess the threat level. Look to your right, to your left and into the trees to see where the squirrels are laying in wait:

The next step is to lull them into a false sense of security. Try to look lazy and like you really have no idea what’s going on (which God knows should not be too hard for you…)

Now move about the yard and try to observe your prey. Always try to stay behind them! Don’t let them get behind you!

That’s right, always keep them in sight!

Now follow my lead:

Look how close we are Zulu!

Get ready…

Charge!

Oh No! They are smarter than I thought! Watch out Zulu! They are going for your leash!

There are too many of them Zulu! You are surrounded! Abort Abort!

AMARULA: OK Zulu. I have to admit you put in a valiant effort. Looks like we’ll have to try plan B: the Peanut Lure. Just hold real still and close your eyes and I’ll take care of everything…

That’s right…trust me Zulu…those squirrels will soon be ours…you won’t feel a thing…

Time For My Human to Die (and Happy Halloween!)

October 30, 2015/4 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: While it’s true that few felines could carry off a hat as well as I can, forcing me to wear a Halloween headpiece is reason enough for my Human to feel the wrath of my claws! I am so not amused!

Nemesis of the Month (part 2): Squirrels

October 22, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

Yes, yes I know, I know…I already said my nemesis of the month was the harness. And it is! It is! But there are just so many things to be vigilant about and so many annoyances to deal with when you are “Supreme Commander of the World” that some months I just have to do a double-bill. Which brings me to my long-time nemesis: Squirrels. They have been one of my major adversaries since the Human catnapped me from South Africa and took me with her to Canada. Canadian squirrels have been taunting me since I arrived in this maple syrup-infested, snow-loving country. Lately, the creatures have been particularly pesky. Though they have never shown me the respect I deserve, they have become even more disrespectful since the Human got my new collar.

When I’m just sitting around minding my own business, they gang up on me.

No matter where I try to ~~hide~~ relax, they find me.

Knowing that climbing is one of the few skills I have not yet mastered, they tempt me to chase them up a tree and then, just out of reach, they leave me there to be rescued by the Human.

They have even taken it upon themselves to terrorize Zulu! That’s my job!

To make matters worse, they found my secret stash of peanuts and amuse themselves by eating the delicious treats in front of me.

And don’t even get me started about the squirrels’ cousin; that diminutive devil known as the chipmunk…

Curse those little fuzzy balls of fury! But fear not dear reader! I shall have my revenge. I have something planned….soon, very soon…they shall be banished from MY backyard! Oh yes! The last peanut shall be mine!

Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

October 15, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!

It’s Hip to Be Harnessed!

September 20, 2015/4 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU: For my fans out there (and I know there are millions) wondering whether I am still enjoying life as a semi-outdoor (a.k.a harnessed and supervised) cat, I believe the photos say it all:

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I can run like the wind!

I’m flying!! Try to catch me Amarula! I’m so fast you can’t even see me!!

Well, wait a minute here! This is something worth braking for! Nobody ever told me that the outdoors is filled with lovely ladies who have nothing better to do than give me the attention I so rightfully deserve! Meooooooooooooow!

Leashed and Loving It!

September 11, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU: As you know, mom has recently been taking me outside…

AMARULA: Cats in the know don’t call it “outside” Zulu. It is known as “The Fiefdom of Feline Freedom” or, better yet, “Amarula’s Domain”…

ZULU: Shhhhhh Amarula! It’s my turn to talk. I have to wear a harness but I don’t mind cause I love being outdoors! Despite my thirst for attention from mom…

AMARULA: You mean your neediness…

ZULU: …And my well-earned reputation as a lady’s man (not only am I incredibly dashing but, though I usually hide from men, I often come out from under the bed to say hi to the ladies!) I can be ever so slightly timid…

AMARULA: You mean neurotic…

ZULU: …As I was saying, I used to think I would never want to leave the house—aka, the cat-containment unit—and go outside, but I am having a great time! I don’t even mind that being outside means I have to spend more time with Amarula!

Amarula is even telling me all kinds of secrets about life as an outdoor cat. She said she’s going to help me get into an exclusive feline club that she’s already a member of: “The Society of Cantankerous & Caterwauling, Unshackled Outdoor Cats.”

Amarula says there’s a special initiation rite I have to pass before becoming accepted. I just have to leave the back yard when mom’s not looking, befriend the German Shepard across the street by eating from his food bowl, go through the Walmart parking lot while avoiding the gang of ne’er-do-well feral cats, then walk 20 blocks and cross a very busy highway with my eyes closed until I reach the cat club house. If I can do all that I will be granted membership into the club!

AMARULA: Finally my plan to get rid of Zulu is coming to fruition… mmmmmwwwwahahahahahaha….

ZULU: Well, I was about to set off when mom found out what Amarula was up to and put a stop to her dastardly plans!

AMARULA: I’m outta here…..

ZULU: Despite Amarula’s little prank, I still love the outdoors!

Invasion of the Backyard Snatcher

August 31, 2015/5 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, as you all know, I am quite proud (and take a great deal of pleasure) at being the only outdoor cat in the Human’s feline duo. I have spent many an enjoyable hour making fun of Zulu and his INDOOR life of imprisonment. Well, apparently things are about to change.

I was basking in the glory of MY backyard when suddenly, I sensed a change in the air. Something was not right. It was as though someone was watching me. A terrible sense of doom befell me.

This can’t be happening! My walls have been breached! My territory is being invaded! Apparently, the Human, in some misguided attempt to make Zulu feel better after the loss of his brother, has decided to take Zulu outside on some kind of torture device (the Human calls it a harness) for supervised playtime.

I tried to get Zulu to agree to at least go our separate ways when outdoors…Zulu you go your way, I’ll go mine!

But Zulu was having none of it! No matter where I went he found me!

I tried closing my eyes to see if that would make him disappear:

But alas, no luck! He’s sticking around like a bad hairball!

I believed all was lost, but just as I thought this was yet another event to add to my list of reasons why it’s “Time for My Human to Die” I discovered something very interesting…

There is a long leash attached to Zulu’s harness…

…And if I sit or stand on it, Zulu can’t move…

Better yet, if I pull the leash, Zulu must follow where I lead!

Oh yeah! This summer just got a lot more interesting!

Adjusting to Life Without Biltong

August 14, 2015/4 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, as you know, Biltong recently passed away. Though I had my issues with the little guy, I must admit that his presence is sorely missed. Normally, I have been able to get over feeling blue by indulging in escapist TV or books. Presently, I’m reading the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon (a favorite of mine despite the serious lack of feline leads). But even reading can’t seem help me shake off my melancholy.

I can’t seem to muster the energy for play time either.

I just spend all day staring up at the ceiling and pondering the meaning of life.

ZULU: For once, Amarula and I are on the same page. I am desperately lonely without my best friend Biltong. I hate sleeping alone.

I just want to hide from the world

Even sunbeams have lots their warmth!

For a glorious second I thought I spotted Biltong. The creature had the same open, friendly demeanor and surplus of drool as Little B’, but alas it was only a baby human.

Amarula and I even find ourselves reluctantly spending time together just cause we are so discombobulated! Sigh! We all miss you Biltong!

RIP Biltong the Cat, Very loved and Dearly Missed

July 26, 2015/14 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU and AMARULA: We are overwrought to announce that Biltong passed away a few days ago from kidney disease. The sadness seems unbearable. It is as though someone has taken away all of our sunshine.

He was only three years old. Mom is heartsick. She used to love when he would “help” her work at the computer.

ZULU and AMARULA: There are a million reasons we all loved him but here are just a few:

ZULU: He was the best cuddler and hugger in the world!

ZULU: I will miss the way he used to love eating while warming his bum by the vent. It took so little to make Little B happy.

ZULU: All he needed to be content was his favorite toy, a sunbeam and a warm cuddle.

ZULU: He was so brave! He never gave up on trying to make AMARULA love him (AMARULA: It worked cause I finally came around and did –begrudgingly–love him)

ZULU: And he was obsessed with packing peanuts!

ZULU: He was always ready to laugh (especially if it was at Amarula!)

ZULU: I always admired his ability to sleep virtually anywhere and in any position!

ZULU: I will miss washing him, too!

ZULU: He was my big brother and he always took care of me. He is irreplaceable

ZULU: I love you Biltong!

AMARULA: Though I like to tease the little bugger. I will also miss him terribly. I will even miss his hug attacks.

AMARULA: What do you say if just this once Zulu, I let you cuddle with me.

We can find some solace in knowing that the little imp has gone to be reunited with Charlie the basset hound and all of Mom’s beloved pets who have gone to the rainbow bridge.

The house (and litter box) will be so empty without you Biltong. Be well little guy. Bless you.

Special Edition!! A Nemesis of the Month & Cat of the Month Combo!

July 8, 2015/3 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: The cat of the month is Bagheera, a lovely black feline who happens to belong to my Human’s sister. I enjoyed interviewing this dapper gentleman!

AMARULA: Are you single? I am!

BAGHEERA: Sadly, though I’m single, I’m what the humans call “fixed,” which in the animal world ironically means the opposite ie: broken with important man parts missing!

AMARULA: Vile humans! Well what do you like to do in your spare time? What distracts you from the loveless life you must now live thanks to being neutered?

BAGHEERA: My favorite activity is waking my humans up at 3 A.M. to beg for wet food. I also like to jump into the refrigerator whenever it’s open to see if I can take a bite out of any leftovers! I have had much success–if chilled paws–with this method!

AMARULA: I see there is a mini-human now living in your household, how has that been?

BAGHEERA: As French felines would say, “Comme ci, comme ca.” The child demands constant attention and steals some of my quality time from my humans. I mean, is it possible that because the gurgling creature also moves on four legs they are confusing the two of us? Why else spend so much time with something that lacks the soft, silkiness of fur and spits up constantly? My 3 A.M. wake-up calls for food also aren’t as much fun as they used to be since my humans are now generally up responding to the baby’s caterwauling! I wish I had a set of lungs like that kid! On the other hand, the youngster is amazingly warm and cushy and makes a good nap companion. But I do miss being the only child in the spotlight.

AMARULA: Good point Bagheera! I feel for you! Too often a human baby will usurp a cat’s long-established, rightful family roles like “Ruler of the Roost,” “Most Beloved,” “First to be Fed,” “Loudest Caterwauling,” and “Most Cantankerous if Every Whim is Not Satisfied,” which brings me to…

Nemesis of the Month: Babies

They have skin instead of fur, they’re not litter trained and they can’t even self-clean, yet many a feline has been forced to play second fiddle to a baby! Why would anyone have a child when they can have a cat?! Certainly, I must admit there are some similarities between cats and children: we both talk back, our thoughts are inscrutable, and we think the world revolves around us. But despite these similarities, overall kids aren’t nearly as adorable as felines and their mousing skills are distinctly sub-par!

So I say to all you humans out there: Desist in your quest for children! Cats are where it’s at! Trust me: cleaning a litter box is a walk in the park once you see what’s in those baby’s dirty diapers! Ah! If only we cats could have our humans “fixed”!

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Nemesis of the Month: Babies