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Cool Cat of the Month: Malvolio

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MAL: Before you even begin with your interview Amarula, let me just tell you that I am usually too busy terrorizing the neighborhood mice and keeping the humans in line in my area to take time out for an interview. But you’re cute and I hear you have access to a major supply of cat nip, so I’ll talk. It’s been awhile since I’ve had some ‘nip and I’m starting to crash…

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AMARULA: Well we certainly appreciate your time Mal. If I may be so bold, you are certainly the most suave Siamese I have ever come across. Meow!!

MAL: Control yourself Amarula!

AMARULA: Sorry about that….the autumn air makes me crazy! Now as I understand it you are actually a stray cat…

MAL: ….not stray…the PC term is “Unfettered and Fancy-Free Feline.” And yes you are correct. I have been roaming this neighborhood for about 10 years, and though many have tried to imprison—or as the humans say “adopt”—me I prefer to remain a roaming renegade. For the last year or so I have been spending most of my time with a human I know only as “he who brings me duck breast and chicken pate.” But I believe your Human knows him as William, her brother.

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AMARULA: Well tell us why you decided to spend so much time with William and deign to grace his abode with your presence.

MAL: Well there are several reasons really. He is a chef at a restaurant, which means he always brings me the most scrumptious treats like fresh turkey, butter chicken and steak. We are also of like-minds in terms of our housekeeping philosophy, which is “Dirt has rights too! So let it thrive.” I find that his shambolic living space encourages mice, and despite my elevated gourmet tastes, I still like a good mouse now and again!

AMARULA: What do you like doing in your spare time for fun?

Mal: Well, clearly I enjoy “redecorating” by making what was once a useless piece of furniture my own personal scratching post.

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I also enjoy gnawing on ankles and facing down foes with my “You-have-five-seconds-to-live-unless-you-make-yourself-scarce-or-give-me-chicken” stare, which has been known to put the fear of death into humans, dogs and mice alike.

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AMARULA: Thanks so much Mal. Hope to meet you again soon!

MAL: See you later Amarula! Time to hit the road. Gotta do my nightly neighborhood patrol! There’s so many dogs to chase and so little time!

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Special Edition!! A Nemesis of the Month & Cat of the Month Combo!

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AMARULA: The cat of the month is Bagheera, a lovely black feline who happens to belong to my Human’s sister. I enjoyed interviewing this dapper gentleman!

AMARULA: Are you single? I am!

BAGHEERA: Sadly, though I’m single, I’m what the humans call “fixed,” which in the animal world ironically means the opposite ie: broken with important man parts missing!

AMARULA: Vile humans! Well what do you like to do in your spare time? What distracts you from the loveless life you must now live thanks to being neutered?

BAGHEERA: My favorite activity is waking my humans up at 3 A.M. to beg for wet food. I also like to jump into the refrigerator whenever it’s open to see if I can take a bite out of any leftovers! I have had much success–if chilled paws–with this method!

AMARULA: I see there is a mini-human now living in your household, how has that been?

BAGHEERA: As French felines would say, “Comme ci, comme ca.” The child demands constant attention and steals some of my quality time from my humans. I mean, is it possible that because the gurgling creature also moves on four legs they are confusing the two of us? Why else spend so much time with something that lacks the soft, silkiness of fur and spits up constantly? My 3 A.M. wake-up calls for food also aren’t as much fun as they used to be since my humans are now generally up responding to the baby’s caterwauling! I wish I had a set of lungs like that kid! On the other hand, the youngster is amazingly warm and cushy and makes a good nap companion. But I do miss being the only child in the spotlight.

AMARULA: Good point Bagheera! I feel for you! Too often a human baby will usurp a cat’s long-established, rightful family roles like “Ruler of the Roost,”  “Most Beloved,” “First to be Fed,” “Loudest Caterwauling,” and “Most Cantankerous if Every Whim is Not Satisfied,” which brings me to…

Nemesis of the Month: Babies

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They have skin instead of fur, they’re not litter trained and they can’t even self-clean, yet many a feline has been forced to play second fiddle to a baby! Why would anyone have a child when they can have a cat?! Certainly, I must admit there are some similarities between cats and children: we both talk back, our thoughts are inscrutable, and we think the world revolves around us. But despite these similarities, overall kids aren’t nearly as adorable as felines and their mousing skills are distinctly sub-par!

So I say to all you humans out there: Desist in your quest for children! Cats are where it’s at! Trust me: cleaning a litter box is a walk in the park once you see what’s in those baby’s dirty diapers! Ah! If only we cats could have our humans “fixed”!

Cool Cat of the Month: Lou

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AMARULA: Though clearly, in the looks department I have no feline rivals, I must admit Lou comes close. She has incredibly soft fur (if you like that sort of thing) and the grace of a ballet dancer thanks to her stumpy…I mean diminutive, stature. She was once a stray who was rescued by her slave human Eric. I took time out of my busy schedule to interview Lou:

AMARULA: How are you enjoying life with your manservant Eric?

LOU: Well, he feeds me and pets me lots, which I approve of, but he has this human female who hangs around a lot and she tends to distract him so he can’t devote every single minute of every single day to me. I am in the process of working out a deal with the neighborhood racoons to see if they can carry her off some night and deposit her in a forest somewhere. We’re still trying to iron out the details. The racoons want to be paid in pounds of garbage and I am trying to convince them to take payment in pounds of hairballs.

AMARULA: Really?!?!

LOU: No, No. I actually like Eric’s gal pal. She pets me lots and seems to accept that I will always be the prettiest female in the room!

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AMARULA: What are some of your favorite hobbies?
LOU: Well I like hiding, acting afraid of life so Eric hugs me lots, vomiting up hairballs and playing with my little yellow ducky. I am very very glad he rescued me from life as a stray!

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AMARULA: What are your future plans?
LOU: Well, frankly I am a little lonely and would love a handsome companion cat. We will see what the future holds!

Cool Cat of the Month: Tacchino

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AMARULA: Though you would never catch me dead in a bow tie, I have to say that my neighbor Tacchino looks pretty dapper!

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I took the time to interview Tacchino (I have a bit of a crush on him…at least I think he is a “him” and not a “they.” He is so fat that he could actually be two cats sharing one head. I just don’t know!)

AMARULA: What are your favorite hobbies?

TACCHINO: Eating, chewing, munching, falling asleep in my food dish and waking up in my food dish.

AMARULA: Nothing else?

TACCHINO: Well, I also like sleeping and rolling in catnip but only when those activities don’t interfere with my eating.

AMARULA: Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?

TACCHINO: My humans have been speaking of putting me on this thing they call a DIEt. In preparation, I have started to teach myself how to open the kitchen cupboards and use the can opener when they aren’t around. I have also begun to steal some of the dog, Major’s, food when no one is looking. He is losing weight rapidly. The humans think he must be sick and keep taking him to the vet, which he hates. Unfortunately, while his suffering feeds my soul it does not nourish my stomach.