Indoor Cat – Sandra MacGregor

My Bathtub’s Dirty Secret!

February 29, 2016/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Many of you may not realize just how much I suffer since Frodo has been added to our feline trio. Being pounced on indiscriminately, my favorite box-of-solitude being appropriated and my privacy in the litter box now a forgotten luxury…..

Yes, Frodo’s crimes are legion and now he is stealing my toys! I had noticed the disappearance of my favorite ping pong and fuzzy balls since his arrival so, over the last few weeks, I have been forced to stash them in what I thought was the perfect secret spot known only to me (and now you dear readers)…the bathtub!

I had thought these porcelain walls would hide my beloved baubles, but alas, I was wrong! Over the last couple of days, I have noticed that they are slowly disappearing. So using the advanced online degree in engineering I acquired while the Human was sleeping, I set up a hidden camera to get to the truth of what was happening in MY bathtub. Beware dear readers…the shocking photos you are about to behold are enough to curl your whiskers! Frodo was indeed playing with my toys!

Shocking–no? But it only gets worse…Not only was Frodo frolicking with my toys, he has been using my porcelain palace to do a bevy of bad acts:

Napping:

Bathing (OK, even I can admit that a bathtub is a pretty good place to self-clean):

Just looking stupefied as usual…

And the most terrible act of all…inviting Zulu to join him for playtime:

I ask you…have I not endured enough??

Ah well! It is February 29th and leap year only happens every four years so I will make a once-every-four-years exception…if you can’t beat em, join em!

A Lesson on the Importance of Personal Space

January 25, 2016/4 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Now isn’t this comfortable Frodo? Nothing like spending a lazy Saturday enjoying some sunbeams.

FRODO: It is wonderful. But…

FRODO: I just think things would be even better if we snuggled more.

ZULU: Now Frodo, remember what I told you about respecting personal space.

FRODO: I think you said you were against it, right?

ZULU: No! That’s not what I said. There is a time for snuggling and there is a time for getting some quality sunbeam sleep.

ZULU: While I appreciate that you moved, this is not what I had in mind!

ZULU: Don’t force me to sharpen my claws and move you myself Frodo!

ZULU: Well, I do have to say that you are a fast learner Frodo! Perfect!

Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

October 15, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!

Leashed and Loving It!

September 11, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU: As you know, mom has recently been taking me outside…

AMARULA: Cats in the know don’t call it “outside” Zulu. It is known as “The Fiefdom of Feline Freedom” or, better yet, “Amarula’s Domain”…

ZULU: Shhhhhh Amarula! It’s my turn to talk. I have to wear a harness but I don’t mind cause I love being outdoors! Despite my thirst for attention from mom…

AMARULA: You mean your neediness…

ZULU: …And my well-earned reputation as a lady’s man (not only am I incredibly dashing but, though I usually hide from men, I often come out from under the bed to say hi to the ladies!) I can be ever so slightly timid…

AMARULA: You mean neurotic…

ZULU: …As I was saying, I used to think I would never want to leave the house—aka, the cat-containment unit—and go outside, but I am having a great time! I don’t even mind that being outside means I have to spend more time with Amarula!

Amarula is even telling me all kinds of secrets about life as an outdoor cat. She said she’s going to help me get into an exclusive feline club that she’s already a member of: “The Society of Cantankerous & Caterwauling, Unshackled Outdoor Cats.”

Amarula says there’s a special initiation rite I have to pass before becoming accepted. I just have to leave the back yard when mom’s not looking, befriend the German Shepard across the street by eating from his food bowl, go through the Walmart parking lot while avoiding the gang of ne’er-do-well feral cats, then walk 20 blocks and cross a very busy highway with my eyes closed until I reach the cat club house. If I can do all that I will be granted membership into the club!

AMARULA: Finally my plan to get rid of Zulu is coming to fruition… mmmmmwwwwahahahahahaha….

ZULU: Well, I was about to set off when mom found out what Amarula was up to and put a stop to her dastardly plans!

AMARULA: I’m outta here…..

ZULU: Despite Amarula’s little prank, I still love the outdoors!

Invasion of the Backyard Snatcher

August 31, 2015/5 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, as you all know, I am quite proud (and take a great deal of pleasure) at being the only outdoor cat in the Human’s feline duo. I have spent many an enjoyable hour making fun of Zulu and his INDOOR life of imprisonment. Well, apparently things are about to change.

I was basking in the glory of MY backyard when suddenly, I sensed a change in the air. Something was not right. It was as though someone was watching me. A terrible sense of doom befell me.

This can’t be happening! My walls have been breached! My territory is being invaded! Apparently, the Human, in some misguided attempt to make Zulu feel better after the loss of his brother, has decided to take Zulu outside on some kind of torture device (the Human calls it a harness) for supervised playtime.

I tried to get Zulu to agree to at least go our separate ways when outdoors…Zulu you go your way, I’ll go mine!

But Zulu was having none of it! No matter where I went he found me!

I tried closing my eyes to see if that would make him disappear:

But alas, no luck! He’s sticking around like a bad hairball!

I believed all was lost, but just as I thought this was yet another event to add to my list of reasons why it’s “Time for My Human to Die” I discovered something very interesting…

There is a long leash attached to Zulu’s harness…

…And if I sit or stand on it, Zulu can’t move…

Better yet, if I pull the leash, Zulu must follow where I lead!

Oh yeah! This summer just got a lot more interesting!

Spring Has Come Again!?!

March 26, 2015/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Thank goodness! No one explained to me that because winter had indeed returned so too would spring likewise make a welcome reappearance! That means I can leave the house and survey my domain!

You know what the best part of spring is? Not the fresh scent of the air, or mom’s tulips that need chewing but the site of the kittens staring at me jealously through the screen!! Hee Hee

Wait a minute…does the return of spring mean that those nasty squirrels are back too??

The Benefits of Being an Indoor Cat

May 19, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

BILTONG: Alright, this is Biltong talking here (the tiny grey, distinguished-looking Oriental). We have been taking a lot of crap from Amarula (the FAT and ugly tortie–I mean what kind of color is that?? Are you black, orange or beige! Make up your mind! She looks like Halloween threw up all over her!) and now it is my brother, Zulu, and my turn to have our say. We LOVE being indoor cats. It’s the life!

Here are the top reasons why being indoors is ideal!

1. We know where the best sunbeams are in every corner of the house:

2. We never have to worry about coming face to face with our neighbor dog Major or any of those giant Canadian rats called “racoons”

3. We never have to worry about getting fleas unless one catches a ride on Amarula (which frankly, with her hygiene, is a pretty high risk despite mom using Advantage® on her)

4. We never get chased up a tree by the aformentioned nefarious neighbor dog and then have all the neighbors come out and point and laugh as we try to make our way head-first down the tree–so humiliating! How can Amarula show her face around here again–imagine running from a dog wearing a bow tie!

5. We never have to worry about coming home smelling like skunk (or maybe that is Amarula’s natural odor?!)

6. We don’t have to worry about the gang of local squirrels beating us up looking for peanuts.

7. We can take our morning constitutional inside without prying eyes, in the privacy of our own litter box. When Amarula goes the whole neighborhood can watch her!

8. We get to keep mom company while she works at her computer:

9. We know where all the best heating vents are!

10. Finally, the best is when mom decides to give us a wet food treat and calls Amarula but she doesn’t come in so we get her share! (The dolt is probably unconscious in a ditch somewhere hopped up on wild cat grass!)

What is this Thing You Call a Litter Box?

January 5, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: You want me to do what in where???

Well, the indignities of life in Canada just keep piling up! The ground is frozen and covered in snow and with it my outdoor commode. So the human says I am now forced to use a litter box. In South Africa a feline could do their business outdoors any time of year! Not in this frozen feline wasteland! But what else could I do but give it a try? And wouldn’t you know it! The undynamic duo decided they too had to go at that exact moment! Is nothing sacred to those two big-eared boondoggles?

Oh how I will miss the soft feel of dirt beneath my paws! I know not if my dignity will survive.

Winter in Canada: I am in Hell

December 17, 2013/1 Comment/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: I am not enjoying winter thus far. I am looking into whether any airline will allow a feline to fly solo so I can get back to South Africa ASAP! There is no snow in Cape Town! Worse yet, I find that the cold seems to have frozen the kittens’ brains (though frankly, it was hard to detect any brain activity in the little fur balls even before we moved to this frozen tundra). They seem to be under the mistaken impression that my imposed time indoors means I actually want to spend time with them! Saints preserve me!

They attack me in my cat condo:

And I wake up to find that, while I slumber, they use their kittenish stealthy ways to sneak into bed with me:

What the heck!??? When will this madness end? I am not certain all three of us will make it to the end of winter…and I bet they would make comfy throw rugs!

Outdoor Life in Canada: Let me inside!!

December 1, 2013/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, as the only outdoor cat in our feline trio (and the only one with looks and brains!) I was really excited to explore the Canadian great outdoors! Mom had warned me about this thing you call “snow” but I was incredulous. Well, I have been schooled:

It started off innocently enough. The temperature hovered dangerously near zero Celsius but I, being a rugged beast, could handle it. I will certainly not let Canadian cats show me up!

Though it started to get a little nippy, I made due and dealt with the cold by making fun of the kittens who aren’t allowed out (mom is a big believer in keeping cats indoors but because I was a stray she could not convert me to the indoor life–I thwarted all her efforts!!) Poor saps!

But then a light dusting of snow fell:

Things got ugly pretty quickly!

Seriously!! How long does this white stuff last? Only a few days right? I can go outside again soon…yes?

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