Zulu’s Essential Lessons in Cattiness

 

Zulu: Frodo, when my dearly departed brother Biltong and I first became part of this household, Amarula was already on the scene. Clearly jealous of our good looks and sparkling personalities, she refused to acknowledge our existence, so my brother and I had to learn some basic life lessons all on our own. But, Frodo, because I like the cut of your jib and take my role as your new big brother seriously (but mostly because I know it will annoy Amarula to no end) I’m going to let you in on a few secrets that will help you flourish as a feline. So come close and listen carefully…

secrets

 

1. Never drink out of the water bowl. Water bowls are only for cats who are satisfied with the pedestrian things in life. For those of us with more sophisticated palates, the toilet is the only way to go. I can’t explain it, but there is something about that porcelain bowl that changes plain old water into sweet manna from heaven. It’s the feline version of fine French champagne. Now, it can be dangerous at first because there is always the risk of falling in, but with practice you will learn. And the risk is so worth the very refreshing, delicious reward!

drinkoutoftoilet

Bingo!

bingo

2. Always use the litter box. It’s OK to occasionally go outside the litter box to show mom she’s done something that has upset you or to make it clear that the litter needs to be changed, but otherwise it’s best to stick to the appropriately assigned box. I mean, after all, we’re not crass like canines who just do their “toilette” all higgledy-piggledy. And, whoa there Frodo! Normally using the litter box is definitely not a two-man job!

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3. Know your place at feeding time. As much as I like you, food comes first. Just follow the assigned eater order and all should be fine:

peckingorder

4. I always win. Play fighting. Now pay attention, the rules are simple: I always win:

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5. The window is your friend. You and I (with a few exceptions in my case thanks to a harness) are indoor cats. Because mom rescued Amarula as a stray, she is an outdoor cat. Much to mom’s chagrin, that contrary cat refused to give up the outdoors…something about the song of the open streets being in her blood or some such nonsense. Anyway, in general, the closest we get to the open road is looking at it longingly through a window screen.

It is a big, bustling world out there and it may seem scary at first but there is nothing to be afraid of.

heexpectsmetojumpupthere

Trust me. You will love the view. Come on! Jump up!

sure does lookinteresting

See, what did I tell you?

window view

 

6. And finally, any time is the right time for a cat nap. And any position is the right position.

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And sometimes, it can be equally as comfy to sleep solo and enjoy all the extra space!

roomforzulu

Or were you just making room for me?

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Introducing Frodo the Kitten!

 

FRODO: As you may have guessed from Amarula’s last post, I have recently arrived to make mom’s feline duo a trio! I’m very excited to be here!

frodo

Zulu is making me feel very welcome. I think mom was right that since Biltong’s death he has really been missing having a fellow feline to cuddle and play with! I am more than happy to oblige…

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playwithzulu

asthoughsomeone mimicking my every move

FRODO: Sadly, Amarula is not as yet as happy as Zulu to meet me!

amiandkitten should i eat it

AMARULA: You know I could swallow you in one big gulp!

amaandkitten

AMARULA: It’s true! Don’t let this clown collar fool you people! I am not amused by this new addition!

not amused

FRODO: But I know that eventually she will come around to appreciating me and my hugs!

welcoming

FRODO: I love it here. When I am not hanging with Zulu or befriending Amarula, I am napping or doing Pilates!

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pilates

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I am very happy to be here. Yeah!

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ZULU: Ok! Ok! that’s enough. No more photos for now. The little guy’s had enough. Time for his nap!

enoughphotos

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Something Wicked This Way Comes: A Feline Phantom!?!

AMARULA: As you know, the Human and Zulu have been very sad since Biltong died (and I must admit to missing him just a little). I was worried the Human would do something crazy like go out and get another cat just when I was finally down to only one live-in-nemesis, Zulu. But lately, the Human has been acting quite excitable and furtive. I fear something terrible is afoot. Recently I’ve begun to feel as though I am being watched at every turn! Even as I try to nap…

i fell like i am being watched

I’m just being paranoid, right? Tell me there’s nothing behind me!

thisissonotgoingtohappen

No matter where I go, I can’t shake the feeling I’m being followed. Even in my special “Happy Place” box, I feel as though some menacing presence is looming near, pressing down upon me…

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But when I turn around and investigate the box, I find nothing!

butnomatterwhereturncan'tseeanything

 

No where is safe! Even while I’m outside surveying my kingdom, I sense an ominous life-force watching me. Do we perhaps have a bat infestation?…

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I thought I caught a glimpse of a red flame of maliciousness running from my litter box, but alas it escaped me…

i hear something in litter box-but catch only shadow

ZULU: Though I am loath to agree with you Amarula, I too have felt a strange presence nearby. It is getting me all confused and turned around!

pffft they suspect nothing

 

ZULU: But I find it a warm, welcoming spirit that I just can’t wait to meet!

AMARULA: Oh Brother! Whoa! Zulu…I feel it here right now!….Come take a look and tell me please that there is nothing behind me….

be honest zulu is ther somthing behind me-sdo u see it too

 

AMARULA: All I want to know is who’s been sitting in my chair!??

frodo

What could it be!??…to be continued….

Nemesis of the Month: Odin the Puppy

AMARULA: Well, just when I thought I was actually about to get through a month without a Nemesis, suddenly Odin appeared! I was minding my own business, surveying my domain when he appeared with my neighbor!

Here I am all happiness pre-puppy; the easy-going and lovable Amarula you have all come to know and love:

domaine

Then this MONSTROSITY appeared (Be warned: the sight is so horrible and frightening that young children and those with weak constitutions should avert their eyes…):

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odin

 

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Don’t let his furry fluffiness fool you! The little guy is filled with doggy dastardly deeds! I kept a careful eye on him.

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Clearly suffering from the same pea-sized intellect that all dogs possess, he did not seem to realize my inherent supremacy and was not at all as fearful of me as he should have been! I gave him my best death stare, and for a moment he actually seemed to bow down to me:

starehimdown

Sadly, taking leave of whatever minuscule sense he possessed, he started to get closer to me:

onlymovedcloser

To make matters worse, my Human and her neighbor merely laughed and went on about how cute the whole situation was. They even idiotically droned on about how we could one day be…GASP… best friends! So I did the only thing a self-respecting feline could:

I approached the middle of the road:

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And lay down and began to pray for a car to put me out of my misery!:

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Sadly, we do not live on a busy street so this could take awhile…..

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Cool Cat of the Month: Malvolio

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MAL: Before you even begin with your interview Amarula, let me just tell you that I am usually too busy terrorizing the neighborhood mice and keeping the humans in line in my area to take time out for an interview. But you’re cute and I hear you have access to a major supply of cat nip, so I’ll talk. It’s been awhile since I’ve had some ‘nip and I’m starting to crash…

catnip

AMARULA: Well we certainly appreciate your time Mal. If I may be so bold, you are certainly the most suave Siamese I have ever come across. Meow!!

MAL: Control yourself Amarula!

AMARULA: Sorry about that….the autumn air makes me crazy! Now as I understand it you are actually a stray cat…

MAL: ….not stray…the PC term is “Unfettered and Fancy-Free Feline.” And yes you are correct. I have been roaming this neighborhood for about 10 years, and though many have tried to imprison—or as the humans say “adopt”—me I prefer to remain a roaming renegade. For the last year or so I have been spending most of my time with a human I know only as “he who brings me duck breast and chicken pate.” But I believe your Human knows him as William, her brother.

hit the road

AMARULA: Well tell us why you decided to spend so much time with William and deign to grace his abode with your presence.

MAL: Well there are several reasons really. He is a chef at a restaurant, which means he always brings me the most scrumptious treats like fresh turkey, butter chicken and steak. We are also of like-minds in terms of our housekeeping philosophy, which is “Dirt has rights too! So let it thrive.” I find that his shambolic living space encourages mice, and despite my elevated gourmet tastes, I still like a good mouse now and again!

AMARULA: What do you like doing in your spare time for fun?

Mal: Well, clearly I enjoy “redecorating” by making what was once a useless piece of furniture my own personal scratching post.

malchair

I also enjoy gnawing on ankles and facing down foes with my “You-have-five-seconds-to-live-unless-you-make-yourself-scarce-or-give-me-chicken” stare, which has been known to put the fear of death into humans, dogs and mice alike.

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AMARULA: Thanks so much Mal. Hope to meet you again soon!

MAL: See you later Amarula! Time to hit the road. Gotta do my nightly neighborhood patrol! There’s so many dogs to chase and so little time!

mal2

hithte road 2

Squirrel Hunt, Feline Style!

AMARULA: As you know, squirrels are one of the bane’s of my existence. Out of sheer desperation to rid myself and my territory of those little furry balls of ferociousness, I have actually lowered myself to enlist the aid of yet another bane of my existence: Zulu.

Today the plan is to teach Zulu how to hunt squirrels so that he can help me clear out my beloved backyard (later I will worry about clearing Zulu out!).

Alright Zulu, the first step is to assess the threat level. Look to your right, to your left and into the trees to see where the squirrels are laying in wait:

what's that

The next step is to lull them into a false sense of security. Try to look lazy and like you really have no idea what’s going on (which God knows should not be too hard for you…)

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Now move about the yard and try to observe your prey. Always try to stay behind them! Don’t let them get behind you!

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That’s right, always keep them in sight!

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Now follow my lead:

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Look how close we are Zulu!

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Get ready…

amizusq

Charge!

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Oh No! They are smarter than I thought! Watch out Zulu! They are going for your leash!

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There are too many of them Zulu! You are surrounded! Abort Abort!

getoutzulu abort abort

AMARULA: OK Zulu. I have to admit you put in a valiant effort. Looks like we’ll have to try plan B: the Peanut Lure. Just hold real still and close your eyes and I’ll take care of everything…

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That’s right…trust me Zulu…those squirrels will soon be ours…you won’t feel a thing…

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Time For My Human to Die (and Happy Halloween!)

AMARULA: While it’s true that few felines could carry off a hat as well as I can, forcing me to wear a Halloween headpiece is reason enough for my Human to feel the wrath of my claws! I am so not amused!

timeforhumantodie

Nemesis of the Month (part 2): Squirrels

Yes, yes I know, I know…I already said my nemesis of the month was the harness. And it is! It is! But there are just so many things to be vigilant about and so many annoyances to deal with when you are “Supreme Commander of the World” that some months I just have to do a double-bill. Which brings me to my long-time nemesis:  Squirrels. They have been one of my major adversaries since the Human catnapped me from South Africa and took me with her to Canada. Canadian squirrels have been taunting me since I arrived in this maple syrup-infested, snow-loving country. Lately, the creatures have been particularly pesky. Though they have never shown me the respect I deserve, they have become even more disrespectful since the Human got my new collar.

When I’m just sitting around minding my own business, they gang up on me.

gangup2

 

No matter where I try to hide relax, they find me.

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Knowing that climbing is one of the few skills I have not yet mastered, they tempt me to chase them up a tree and then, just out of reach, they leave me there to be rescued by the Human.

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They have even taken it upon themselves to terrorize Zulu! That’s my job!

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To make matters worse, they found my secret stash of peanuts and amuse themselves by eating the delicious treats in front of me.

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And don’t even get me started about the squirrels’ cousin; that diminutive devil known as the chipmunk…

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Curse those little fuzzy balls of fury! But fear not dear reader! I shall have my revenge. I have something planned….soon, very soon…they shall be banished from MY backyard! Oh yes! The last peanut shall be mine!

last peanut

 

Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

zulusotiresom

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

catfight1

When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

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Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

i don't think so-i'm boss

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

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As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ok i give uyp

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!

 

It’s Hip to Be Harnessed!

ZULU: For my fans out there (and I know there are millions) wondering whether I am still enjoying life as a semi-outdoor (a.k.a harnessed and supervised) cat, I believe the photos say it all:

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I can run like the wind!

run like the wind

I’m flying!! Try to catch me Amarula! I’m so fast you can’t even see me!!

whee

Well, wait a minute here! This is something worth braking for! Nobody ever told me that the outdoors is filled with lovely ladies who have nothing better to do than give me the attention I so rightfully deserve! Meooooooooooooow!

this never happend to amarula-pretty ladies