Archive for year: 2014
AMARULA: What’s that you say? This winter thing happens EVERY year?! I wouldn’t have believed it until the snow hit the ground. The cold air and wet snow have relegated me to life indoors again and that means that I am forced to spend time with the kittens. And just as expected, I find them as engaging and intelligent as cardboard. I mean seriously, are we sure these two are even sentient?
I try to hide from them even in mom’s desk (being nincompoops, the kittens don’t like to be near objects associated with the exercise of intellect like desks, books and such)
But no matter where I hide…
They find me…
Nowhere is safe…
Pray for me!
AMARULA: My nemesis of the month is furniture! Not just any furniture, but items that are low to the ground, like sofas and corner-cupboards. So low that you can’t get under them to retrieve your toys and are forced to wait until The Human finally notices all the playthings are missing! When will this human-centric world finally understand the need for feline-friendly furniture!?
…It has been six minutes now that I have been attached to the tree. Clearly another plot of the neighborhood gang of squirrels to kill me. They must have put crazy glue on the tree trunk in an effort to capture me here until I starve to death. It is likely sleep deprivation will spell my end. It has been 10 minutes since my last seven-hour nap and I don’t know how much longer I can last…where is my silly human when you actually need her? Pray for me…
AMARULA: Alright, alright. It has come to my attention that there is a rumor going around the cat community in my neighborhood that I have been spotted running FROM a squirrel. I am here to dispel that ridiculous rumor! ME! Running from a squirrel!?? I survived the mean streets of Cape Town, South Africa for years before that human, Sandra, came along and “rescued” me off to Canada. I am certainly not going to turn in terror from a fat and furry rodent with a puffy tail! You can’t imagine the beating my reputation as the feline who put the “tude” in “Tortitude” is taking from these laughable lies! Even mangy “Fragile Frank” the skittish Cornish Rex down the street has taken to laughing and pointing as I strut by!
I will admit the so-called photographic “evidence” of me skedaddling from a squirrel does make it a little more difficult for me to explain my behavior–but explain I will:
Here, in the first photo, what looks to be me frozen in terror is actually me cleverly lulling the rodent into a false sense of security:
Here, now that I have tricked the squirrel into thinking he is safe, I survey the situation and wait for the best moment to attack:
I go into stealth mode, ready for my infamous and deadly I-never-saw-it-coming pounce:
Now in this photo, what APPEARS to be me reconsidering my position and running rapidly towards home, is actually me turning to go after a gang of racoons—much bigger and more aggressive prey that are more worthy of my power-pounce! Sadly, my enemies have cleverly Photoshopped them out of the photo in their scurrilous efforts to defame me! But you can trust me, really! There was a gang of raccoons that I beat into submission and saved the day!
BILTONG: Alright, this is Biltong talking here (the tiny grey, distinguished-looking Oriental). We have been taking a lot of crap from Amarula (the FAT and ugly tortie–I mean what kind of color is that?? Are you black, orange or beige! Make up your mind! She looks like Halloween threw up all over her!) and now it is my brother, Zulu, and my turn to have our say. We LOVE being indoor cats. It’s the life!
Here are the top reasons why being indoors is ideal!
1. We know where the best sunbeams are in every corner of the house:
2. We never have to worry about coming face to face with our neighbor dog Major or any of those giant Canadian rats called “racoons”
3. We never have to worry about getting fleas unless one catches a ride on Amarula (which frankly, with her hygiene, is a pretty high risk despite mom using Advantage® on her)
4. We never get chased up a tree by the aformentioned nefarious neighbor dog and then have all the neighbors come out and point and laugh as we try to make our way head-first down the tree–so humiliating! How can Amarula show her face around here again–imagine running from a dog wearing a bow tie!
5. We never have to worry about coming home smelling like skunk (or maybe that is Amarula’s natural odor?!)
6. We don’t have to worry about the gang of local squirrels beating us up looking for peanuts.
7. We can take our morning constitutional inside without prying eyes, in the privacy of our own litter box. When Amarula goes the whole neighborhood can watch her!
8. We get to keep mom company while she works at her computer:
9. We know where all the best heating vents are!
10. Finally, the best is when mom decides to give us a wet food treat and calls Amarula but she doesn’t come in so we get her share! (The dolt is probably unconscious in a ditch somewhere hopped up on wild cat grass!)