BILTONG: Alright, this is Biltong talking here (the tiny grey, distinguished-looking Oriental). We have been taking a lot of crap from Amarula (the FAT and ugly tortie–I mean what kind of color is that?? Are you black, orange or beige! Make up your mind! She looks like Halloween threw up all over her!) and now it is my brother, Zulu, and my turn to have our say. We LOVE being indoor cats. It’s the life!
Here are the top reasons why being indoors is ideal!
1. We know where the best sunbeams are in every corner of the house:
2. We never have to worry about coming face to face with our neighbor dog Major or any of those giant Canadian rats called “racoons”
3. We never have to worry about getting fleas unless one catches a ride on Amarula (which frankly, with her hygiene, is a pretty high risk despite mom using Advantage® on her)
4. We never get chased up a tree by the aformentioned nefarious neighbor dog and then have all the neighbors come out and point and laugh as we try to make our way head-first down the tree–so humiliating! How can Amarula show her face around here again–imagine running from a dog wearing a bow tie!
5. We never have to worry about coming home smelling like skunk (or maybe that is Amarula’s natural odor?!)
6. We don’t have to worry about the gang of local squirrels beating us up looking for peanuts.
7. We can take our morning constitutional inside without prying eyes, in the privacy of our own litter box. When Amarula goes the whole neighborhood can watch her!
8. We get to keep mom company while she works at her computer:
9. We know where all the best heating vents are!
10. Finally, the best is when mom decides to give us a wet food treat and calls Amarula but she doesn’t come in so we get her share! (The dolt is probably unconscious in a ditch somewhere hopped up on wild cat grass!)
There are many reasons I don’t like winter—the snow, the ice, being trapped indoors, being forced to endure extra cuddle time with my human, and the slight chill to my morning Friskies pate. But by far the worst part of winter is the time indoors that I am forced to spend with the kittens, Zulu and Biltong. They are relentless in their pursuit of my attention. My hissy fits and tail slaps leave them unfazed.
Biltong has even taken to trying to wash me:
My efforts to hide have been futile:
We even eat together! Underlings should never eat with the Alpha!
They are EVERYWHERE.
They have even begun to steal my sunbeams! Anyone want a couple of so-so kittens?
BILTONG: Normally, sharing and hugs are two of my favorite things. But the one thing I don’t like sharing or exchanging hugs for is my sparkly pom-pom balls! They are all mine!
In fact, when Zulu and Amarula aren’t looking I hide them all in the floor grates throughout the house so they can’t have them (of course, that also means I can’t have them until mom comes and opens the grate and gets them all out!)
My favorite thing of all is when I sit with my sparkly ball in front of the heating vent! Heaven!
Well, the indignities of life in Canada just keep piling up! The ground is frozen and covered in snow and with it my outdoor commode. So the human says I am now forced to use a litter box. In South Africa a feline could do their business outdoors any time of year! Not in this frozen feline wasteland! But what else could I do but give it a try? And wouldn’t you know it! The undynamic duo decided they too had to go at that exact moment! Is nothing sacred to those two big-eared boondoggles?
Oh how I will miss the soft feel of dirt beneath my paws! I know not if my dignity will survive.
AMARULA: I am not enjoying winter thus far. I am looking into whether any airline will allow a feline to fly solo so I can get back to South Africa ASAP! There is no snow in Cape Town! Worse yet, I find that the cold seems to have frozen the kittens’ brains (though frankly, it was hard to detect any brain activity in the little fur balls even before we moved to this frozen tundra). They seem to be under the mistaken impression that my imposed time indoors means I actually want to spend time with them! Saints preserve me!
They attack me in my cat condo:
And I wake up to find that, while I slumber, they use their kittenish stealthy ways to sneak into bed with me:
What the heck!??? When will this madness end? I am not certain all three of us will make it to the end of winter…and I bet they would make comfy throw rugs!
AMARULA: Well, as the only outdoor cat in our feline trio (and the only one with looks and brains!) I was really excited to explore the Canadian great outdoors! Mom had warned me about this thing you call “snow” but I was incredulous. Well, I have been schooled:
It started off innocently enough. The temperature hovered dangerously near zero Celsius but I, being a rugged beast, could handle it. I will certainly not let Canadian cats show me up!
Though it started to get a little nippy, I made due and dealt with the cold by making fun of the kittens who aren’t allowed out (mom is a big believer in keeping cats indoors but because I was a stray she could not convert me to the indoor life–I thwarted all her efforts!!) Poor saps!
But then a light dusting of snow fell:
Things got ugly pretty quickly!
Seriously!! How long does this white stuff last? Only a few days right? I can go outside again soon…yes?
AMARULA: Well we are all slowly adjusting to life in Canada. I dare say that as the temperature decreases the amount of rules seem to increase! You would think mom would realize that one can not shackle a feline’s freedom! I have assembled a photo journal of the feline Canadian commandments. Judge for yourself how well this trio of tabbies is following them!
1. Thou shall never ever go on the kitchen table:
2. Thou shall never go into the kitchen cupboards:
3. Thou shall not bother Grandpa MacGregor when he is watching television:
4. I said thou shall not bother Grandpa MacGregor!!
5. Thou shall never scratch the couch:
6. Thou shall not distract grandpa MacGregor while he is playing bridge on the computer:
7. Thou shall not lie innocently in the middle of the hallway where humans can trip over you!
8. Thou shall not hog the couch:
9. Thou shall not go into parcels that are not for you and get covered in packing peanuts:
10. Once again! Thou shall not go onto the kitchen table even if it has the best sunbeams in the house!
AMARULA: We landed on a cold October 31st day here in Canada! (By the way, what is this thing you call Halloween!? We didn’t have that in South Africa! My human better NEVER try to make me wear a costume or she will personally learn what a scratching post feels like!).
The trip was hell and boy are we happy we landed safely. I, Amarula, got a carrier all to myself but that poor sap Biltong (aka Billy) had to travel in a carrier with his much-too-talkative brother Zulu! Ha ha!
I can’t help but think it was Sandra (aka human, aka mom) who added “Precious” to the KLM Cargo tag! Naturally I find such displays of human emotion silly and certainly beneath a feline but one can’t argue with the truth of her addition.
I am off to explore my new Canadian domain!
Those nincompoop kittens can do nothing more than fall into each others arms and nap the minute they arrive at their new home. Clearly they are not the brains of this operation! Inarguable proof that stray cats are so much better than pure-breeds!
Amarula: Our human has informed us we are leaving South Africa soon to return to her native territory of Canada. The journey on a great metal winged bird (that apparently can’t even be eaten!) does not sound enjoyable. We plan to poo every hour in our kennels to show our displeasure (though I can’t help thinking that may be more unpleasant for us then for her). She says she thinks we will like it there, though I, as the sole outdoor cat among the three of us, am wary of this white, fluffy substance she describes as “snow.” She also speaks of temperatures that go BELOW zero. Clearly she is insane.
We all still miss our beloved basset Charlie. Despite being a canine, she was a good companion and, best of all, her ears kept us really, really warm.
Off to CANADA!
We will let you know when we arrive!