November 2015 – Sandra MacGregor

Nemesis of the Month: Odin the Puppy

November 26, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, just when I thought I was actually about to get through a month without a Nemesis, suddenly Odin appeared! I was minding my own business, surveying my domain when he appeared with my neighbor!

Here I am all happiness pre-puppy; the easy-going and lovable Amarula you have all come to know and love:

Then this MONSTROSITY appeared (Be warned: the sight is so horrible and frightening that young children and those with weak constitutions should avert their eyes…):

Don’t let his furry fluffiness fool you! The little guy is filled with doggy dastardly deeds! I kept a careful eye on him.

Clearly suffering from the same pea-sized intellect that all dogs possess, he did not seem to realize my inherent supremacy and was not at all as fearful of me as he should have been! I gave him my best death stare, and for a moment he actually seemed to bow down to me:

Sadly, taking leave of whatever minuscule sense he possessed, he started to get closer to me:

To make matters worse, my Human and her neighbor merely laughed and went on about how cute the whole situation was. They even idiotically droned on about how we could one day be…GASP… best friends! So I did the only thing a self-respecting feline could:

I approached the middle of the road:

And lay down and began to pray for a car to put me out of my misery!:

Sadly, we do not live on a busy street so this could take awhile…..

Cool Cat of the Month: Malvolio

November 19, 2015/7 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

MAL: Before you even begin with your interview Amarula, let me just tell you that I am usually too busy terrorizing the neighborhood mice and keeping the humans in line in my area to take time out for an interview. But you’re cute and I hear you have access to a major supply of cat nip, so I’ll talk. It’s been awhile since I’ve had some ‘nip and I’m starting to crash…

AMARULA: Well we certainly appreciate your time Mal. If I may be so bold, you are certainly the most suave Siamese I have ever come across. Meow!!

MAL: Control yourself Amarula!

AMARULA: Sorry about that….the autumn air makes me crazy! Now as I understand it you are actually a stray cat…

MAL: ….not stray…the PC term is “Unfettered and Fancy-Free Feline.” And yes you are correct. I have been roaming this neighborhood for about 10 years, and though many have tried to imprison—or as the humans say “adopt”—me I prefer to remain a roaming renegade. For the last year or so I have been spending most of my time with a human I know only as “he who brings me duck breast and chicken pate.” But I believe your Human knows him as William, her brother.

AMARULA: Well tell us why you decided to spend so much time with William and deign to grace his abode with your presence.

MAL: Well there are several reasons really. He is a chef at a restaurant, which means he always brings me the most scrumptious treats like fresh turkey, butter chicken and steak. We are also of like-minds in terms of our housekeeping philosophy, which is “Dirt has rights too! So let it thrive.” I find that his shambolic living space encourages mice, and despite my elevated gourmet tastes, I still like a good mouse now and again!

AMARULA: What do you like doing in your spare time for fun?

Mal: Well, clearly I enjoy “redecorating” by making what was once a useless piece of furniture my own personal scratching post.

I also enjoy gnawing on ankles and facing down foes with my “You-have-five-seconds-to-live-unless-you-make-yourself-scarce-or-give-me-chicken” stare, which has been known to put the fear of death into humans, dogs and mice alike.

AMARULA: Thanks so much Mal. Hope to meet you again soon!

MAL: See you later Amarula! Time to hit the road. Gotta do my nightly neighborhood patrol! There’s so many dogs to chase and so little time!

Squirrel Hunt, Feline Style!

November 9, 2015/3 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: As you know, squirrels are one of the bane’s of my existence. Out of sheer desperation to rid myself and my territory of those little furry balls of ferociousness, I have actually lowered myself to enlist the aid of yet another bane of my existence: Zulu.

Today the plan is to teach Zulu how to hunt squirrels so that he can help me clear out my beloved backyard (later I will worry about clearing Zulu out!).

Alright Zulu, the first step is to assess the threat level. Look to your right, to your left and into the trees to see where the squirrels are laying in wait:

The next step is to lull them into a false sense of security. Try to look lazy and like you really have no idea what’s going on (which God knows should not be too hard for you…)

Now move about the yard and try to observe your prey. Always try to stay behind them! Don’t let them get behind you!

That’s right, always keep them in sight!

Now follow my lead:

Look how close we are Zulu!

Get ready…

Charge!

Oh No! They are smarter than I thought! Watch out Zulu! They are going for your leash!

There are too many of them Zulu! You are surrounded! Abort Abort!

AMARULA: OK Zulu. I have to admit you put in a valiant effort. Looks like we’ll have to try plan B: the Peanut Lure. Just hold real still and close your eyes and I’ll take care of everything…

That’s right…trust me Zulu…those squirrels will soon be ours…you won’t feel a thing…

Archive for month: November, 2015