Yes, yes I know, I know…I already said my nemesis of the month was the harness. And it is! It is! But there are just so many things to be vigilant about and so many annoyances to deal with when you are “Supreme Commander of the World” that some months I just have to do a double-bill. Which brings me to my long-time nemesis: Squirrels. They have been one of my major adversaries since the Human catnapped me from South Africa and took me with her to Canada. Canadian squirrels have been taunting me since I arrived in this maple syrup-infested, snow-loving country. Lately, the creatures have been particularly pesky. Though they have never shown me the respect I deserve, they have become even more disrespectful since the Human got my new collar.
When I’m just sitting around minding my own business, they gang up on me.
No matter where I try to
hide relax, they find me.
Knowing that climbing is one of the few skills I have not yet mastered, they tempt me to chase them up a tree and then, just out of reach, they leave me there to be rescued by the Human.
They have even taken it upon themselves to terrorize Zulu! That’s my job!
To make matters worse, they found my secret stash of peanuts and amuse themselves by eating the delicious treats in front of me.
And don’t even get me started about the squirrels’ cousin; that diminutive devil known as the chipmunk…
Curse those little fuzzy balls of fury! But fear not dear reader! I shall have my revenge. I have something planned….soon, very soon…they shall be banished from MY backyard! Oh yes! The last peanut shall be mine!
As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.
While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!
First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!
When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”
Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.
Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.
As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.
ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.
AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!