Nemesis of the Month – Sandra MacGregor

Nemesis of the Month: Odin the Puppy

November 26, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Well, just when I thought I was actually about to get through a month without a Nemesis, suddenly Odin appeared! I was minding my own business, surveying my domain when he appeared with my neighbor!

Here I am all happiness pre-puppy; the easy-going and lovable Amarula you have all come to know and love:

Then this MONSTROSITY appeared (Be warned: the sight is so horrible and frightening that young children and those with weak constitutions should avert their eyes…):

Don’t let his furry fluffiness fool you! The little guy is filled with doggy dastardly deeds! I kept a careful eye on him.

Clearly suffering from the same pea-sized intellect that all dogs possess, he did not seem to realize my inherent supremacy and was not at all as fearful of me as he should have been! I gave him my best death stare, and for a moment he actually seemed to bow down to me:

Sadly, taking leave of whatever minuscule sense he possessed, he started to get closer to me:

To make matters worse, my Human and her neighbor merely laughed and went on about how cute the whole situation was. They even idiotically droned on about how we could one day be…GASP… best friends! So I did the only thing a self-respecting feline could:

I approached the middle of the road:

And lay down and began to pray for a car to put me out of my misery!:

Sadly, we do not live on a busy street so this could take awhile…..

Nemesis of the Month (part 2): Squirrels

October 22, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

Yes, yes I know, I know…I already said my nemesis of the month was the harness. And it is! It is! But there are just so many things to be vigilant about and so many annoyances to deal with when you are “Supreme Commander of the World” that some months I just have to do a double-bill. Which brings me to my long-time nemesis: Squirrels. They have been one of my major adversaries since the Human catnapped me from South Africa and took me with her to Canada. Canadian squirrels have been taunting me since I arrived in this maple syrup-infested, snow-loving country. Lately, the creatures have been particularly pesky. Though they have never shown me the respect I deserve, they have become even more disrespectful since the Human got my new collar.

When I’m just sitting around minding my own business, they gang up on me.

No matter where I try to ~~hide~~ relax, they find me.

Knowing that climbing is one of the few skills I have not yet mastered, they tempt me to chase them up a tree and then, just out of reach, they leave me there to be rescued by the Human.

They have even taken it upon themselves to terrorize Zulu! That’s my job!

To make matters worse, they found my secret stash of peanuts and amuse themselves by eating the delicious treats in front of me.

And don’t even get me started about the squirrels’ cousin; that diminutive devil known as the chipmunk…

Curse those little fuzzy balls of fury! But fear not dear reader! I shall have my revenge. I have something planned….soon, very soon…they shall be banished from MY backyard! Oh yes! The last peanut shall be mine!

Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

October 15, 2015/2 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!

Special Edition!! A Nemesis of the Month & Cat of the Month Combo!

July 8, 2015/3 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: The cat of the month is Bagheera, a lovely black feline who happens to belong to my Human’s sister. I enjoyed interviewing this dapper gentleman!

AMARULA: Are you single? I am!

BAGHEERA: Sadly, though I’m single, I’m what the humans call “fixed,” which in the animal world ironically means the opposite ie: broken with important man parts missing!

AMARULA: Vile humans! Well what do you like to do in your spare time? What distracts you from the loveless life you must now live thanks to being neutered?

BAGHEERA: My favorite activity is waking my humans up at 3 A.M. to beg for wet food. I also like to jump into the refrigerator whenever it’s open to see if I can take a bite out of any leftovers! I have had much success–if chilled paws–with this method!

AMARULA: I see there is a mini-human now living in your household, how has that been?

BAGHEERA: As French felines would say, “Comme ci, comme ca.” The child demands constant attention and steals some of my quality time from my humans. I mean, is it possible that because the gurgling creature also moves on four legs they are confusing the two of us? Why else spend so much time with something that lacks the soft, silkiness of fur and spits up constantly? My 3 A.M. wake-up calls for food also aren’t as much fun as they used to be since my humans are now generally up responding to the baby’s caterwauling! I wish I had a set of lungs like that kid! On the other hand, the youngster is amazingly warm and cushy and makes a good nap companion. But I do miss being the only child in the spotlight.

AMARULA: Good point Bagheera! I feel for you! Too often a human baby will usurp a cat’s long-established, rightful family roles like “Ruler of the Roost,” “Most Beloved,” “First to be Fed,” “Loudest Caterwauling,” and “Most Cantankerous if Every Whim is Not Satisfied,” which brings me to…

Nemesis of the Month: Babies

They have skin instead of fur, they’re not litter trained and they can’t even self-clean, yet many a feline has been forced to play second fiddle to a baby! Why would anyone have a child when they can have a cat?! Certainly, I must admit there are some similarities between cats and children: we both talk back, our thoughts are inscrutable, and we think the world revolves around us. But despite these similarities, overall kids aren’t nearly as adorable as felines and their mousing skills are distinctly sub-par!

So I say to all you humans out there: Desist in your quest for children! Cats are where it’s at! Trust me: cleaning a litter box is a walk in the park once you see what’s in those baby’s dirty diapers! Ah! If only we cats could have our humans “fixed”!

Nemesis of the Month: Zulu

May 3, 2015/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Even with the weather getting nicer and me spending more time outside, the kittens still drive me crazy! Especially Zulu with his constant caterwauling and his efforts to hog the best sunbeams! So my “Nemesis of the Month” award goes to Zulu! I mean just look into those eyes! Is anyone even home??

ZULU: Amarula I am so not amused! You didn’t even capture my good side!

Nemesis of the Month: Furniture

November 3, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: My nemesis of the month is furniture! Not just any furniture, but items that are low to the ground, like sofas and corner-cupboards. So low that you can’t get under them to retrieve your toys and are forced to wait until The Human finally notices all the playthings are missing! When will this human-centric world finally understand the need for feline-friendly furniture!?

Nemesis of the Month: Racoons

February 25, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

As a stranger in a strange land, I am learning new things everyday about Canadians and their strange culture and habits. Worse yet is the new wildlife species I have to get to know!

Well you can imagine my surprise when I came face-to-face with this ferocious looking creature on our back porch!

At first I thought it was some kind of giant rat! I mean we had rats in South Africa but nothing like this! But then I heard the human describe it as a “Racoon.” I must say I am envious of the way the creature seems able to open any form of garbage containment unit to get to the juicy interior! I am also jealous of his cool black mask that covers his eyes! I wish I had one. But still, despite some cool attributes, I don’t like the way he walks around MY backyard acting like he owns the place! So the racoon is my nemesis of the month!

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Nemesis of the Month: Babies