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The Art of A Sneak Hug Attack

BILTONG: As you know, dear readers, hugs are one of my favorite things! Zulu and I love hugging! We are experts!

cats in box 2

Sadly, Amarula does not seem to share our love of hugs. That’s why I often have to perform cuddle sneak-attacks. Because we all likely have those in our lives who are “hug-hesitant,” I wanted to share with you how you can perform covert surprise embraces even on cuddlephobic cats like Amarula.

STEP 1:

You have to keep up your strength for a hug attack so I like to begin with a hearty meal in front of the heat vent where I can also get my bum warmed at the same time! It is glorious!

posterior

STEP 2:

Then I like to lull my victims unsuspecting hug-receivers into a false sense of security by acting casual—as though hugs aren’t the only thing on my mind!

lullintofalse sense of security

STEP 3:

It’s important to be diligent. If a cuddle-cautious cat even gets a whiff of what you are planning they may hide. You must look high and low until you find them!

you find them where they hire

 

STEP 4:

The next step is to approach your prey pal in a friendly and open manner and engage them in pleasant conversation. Some examples:

a) Ask them where they got such a ridiculous pretty collar

seriously i was going to attack him but now I can't even bother

b) Ask if you can share a sunbeam with them:

approach in non-threatening manner

STEP 5:

Get as close as you can using your stealth and incredible dexterity:

sneakfromunderchair

Oh the unsuspecting fool!!
unsuspecting fool

STEP 6:

Go!! Hug attack!!!

hugattache2

AND AGAIN!

 

hugattack1

There is even the legendary Double-Hug attack! But this difficult maneuver should only be attempted by students like Zulu and me who have highly advanced training in hug-stealth techniques

group hug attack
STEP 7:

The final step is to wash up, bask in your glory and plan the next attack!

Bask in your success

Now everybody go out and practice!!

Nemesis of the Month: Zulu

AMARULA: Even with the weather getting nicer and me spending more time outside, the kittens still drive me crazy! Especially Zulu with his constant caterwauling and his efforts to hog the best sunbeams! So my “Nemesis of the Month” award goes to Zulu! I mean just look into those eyes! Is anyone even home??

zuandbilly2

ZULU: Amarula I am so not amused! You didn’t even capture my good side!

zulu

Time for My Human to Die…Again

AMARULA: I believe the outfit says it all.

amarulasantasuit

 

 

Winter Has Come Again!?

snow

AMARULA: What’s that you say? This winter thing happens EVERY year?! I wouldn’t have believed it until the snow hit the ground. The cold air and wet snow have relegated me to life indoors again and that means that I am forced to spend time with the kittens. And just as expected, I find them as engaging and intelligent as cardboard. I mean seriously, are we sure these two are even sentient?

I try to hide from them even in mom’s desk (being nincompoops, the kittens don’t like to be near objects associated with the exercise of intellect like desks, books and such)

hide in desk

But no matter where I hide…

ama in her happy place pre-zulu

They find me…

 

ama wacking zulu full claws

Nowhere is safe…

billyandama

Pray for me!

amapraying

 

 

Nemesis of the Month: Furniture

AMARULA: My nemesis of the month is furniture! Not just any furniture, but items that are low to the ground, like sofas and corner-cupboards. So low that you can’t get under them to retrieve your toys and are forced to wait until The Human finally notices all the playthings are missing! When will this human-centric world finally understand the need for feline-friendly furniture!?

missing balls (2)

Will No One Rescue Me?

…It has been six minutes now that I have been attached to the tree. Clearly another plot of the neighborhood gang of squirrels to kill me. They must have put crazy glue on the tree trunk in an effort to capture me here until I starve to death. It is likely sleep deprivation will spell my end. It has been 10 minutes since my last seven-hour nap and I don’t know how much longer I can last…where is my silly human when you actually need her? Pray for me…

ama up a tree-crop

The Squirrels are Plotting to Ruin Me

AMARULA: Alright, alright. It has come to my attention that there is a rumor going around the cat community in my neighborhood that I have been spotted running FROM a squirrel. I am here to dispel that ridiculous rumor! ME! Running from a squirrel!?? I survived the mean streets of Cape Town, South Africa for years before that human, Sandra, came along and “rescued” me off to Canada. I am certainly not going to turn in terror from a fat and furry rodent with a puffy tail! You can’t imagine the beating my reputation as the feline who put the “tude” in “Tortitude” is taking from these laughable lies! Even mangy “Fragile Frank” the skittish Cornish Rex down the street has taken to laughing and pointing as I strut by!

I will admit the so-called photographic “evidence” of me skedaddling from a squirrel does make it a little more difficult for me to explain my behavior–but explain I will:

Here, in the first photo, what looks to be me frozen in terror is actually me cleverly lulling the rodent into a false sense of security:

amarula and sq

Here, now that I have tricked the squirrel into thinking he is safe, I survey the situation and wait for the best moment to attack:

amaandsq3

I go into stealth mode, ready for my infamous and deadly I-never-saw-it-coming pounce:

amaandsq2

Now in this photo, what APPEARS to be me reconsidering my position and running rapidly towards home, is actually me turning to go after a gang of racoons—much bigger and more aggressive prey that are more worthy of my power-pounce! Sadly, my enemies have cleverly Photoshopped them out of the photo in their scurrilous efforts to defame me! But you can trust me, really! There was a gang of raccoons that I beat into submission and saved the day!

amagivesup

Time for my Human to Die

I think we can all agree that, as good as I look in a tie, it is time for my human to die.

amarula in tie (2)

Thank God Winter is Almost Over!

There are many reasons I don’t like winter—the snow, the ice, being trapped indoors, being forced to endure extra cuddle time with my human, and the slight chill to my morning Friskies pate. But by far the worst part of winter is the time indoors that I am forced to spend with the kittens, Zulu and Biltong. They are relentless in their pursuit of my attention. My hissy fits and tail slaps leave them unfazed.

Biltong has even taken to trying to wash me:

2801

 

My efforts to hide have been futile:

zulu and amarula1

We even eat together! Underlings should never eat with the Alpha!

catseating

They are EVERYWHERE.

litterbox2

 

 

They have even begun to steal my sunbeams! Anyone want a couple of so-so kittens?

amiwith kitteen

 

Nemesis of the Month: Racoons

As a stranger in a strange land, I am learning new things everyday about Canadians and their strange culture and habits. Worse yet is the new wildlife species I have to get to know!

Well you can imagine my surprise when I came face-to-face with this ferocious looking creature on our back porch!

racoon nemesis

At first I thought it was some kind of giant rat! I mean we had rats in South Africa but nothing like this! But then I heard the human describe it as a “Racoon.” I must say I am envious of the way the creature seems able to open any form of garbage containment unit to get to the juicy interior! I am also jealous of his cool black mask that covers his eyes! I wish I had one. But still, despite some cool attributes, I don’t like the way he walks around MY backyard acting like he owns the place! So the racoon is my nemesis of the month!
racoon 2