Hairballs and Hissy Fits – Page 5

The Squirrels are Plotting to Ruin Me

September 25, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Alright, alright. It has come to my attention that there is a rumor going around the cat community in my neighborhood that I have been spotted running FROM a squirrel. I am here to dispel that ridiculous rumor! ME! Running from a squirrel!?? I survived the mean streets of Cape Town, South Africa for years before that human, Sandra, came along and “rescued” me off to Canada. I am certainly not going to turn in terror from a fat and furry rodent with a puffy tail! You can’t imagine the beating my reputation as the feline who put the “tude” in “Tortitude” is taking from these laughable lies! Even mangy “Fragile Frank” the skittish Cornish Rex down the street has taken to laughing and pointing as I strut by!

I will admit the so-called photographic “evidence” of me skedaddling from a squirrel does make it a little more difficult for me to explain my behavior–but explain I will:

Here, in the first photo, what looks to be me frozen in terror is actually me cleverly lulling the rodent into a false sense of security:

Here, now that I have tricked the squirrel into thinking he is safe, I survey the situation and wait for the best moment to attack:

I go into stealth mode, ready for my infamous and deadly I-never-saw-it-coming pounce:

Now in this photo, what APPEARS to be me reconsidering my position and running rapidly towards home, is actually me turning to go after a gang of racoons—much bigger and more aggressive prey that are more worthy of my power-pounce! Sadly, my enemies have cleverly Photoshopped them out of the photo in their scurrilous efforts to defame me! But you can trust me, really! There was a gang of raccoons that I beat into submission and saved the day!

Cat Shaming: Zulu

August 4, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU: I ate my brother’s bowl of wet food. Sadly it had been mixed with his special constipation meds. I have not left the litter box since.

Time for my Human to Die

July 19, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

I think we can all agree that, as good as I look in a tie, it is time for my human to die.

Feline Deep Thought of The Day

June 19, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

BILTONG: Sometimes when I see mom is sad or stressed, I think, why doesn’t she come over and share this sunbeam with me? Sunbeams always cheer me up. Come on over mom!

The Benefits of Being an Indoor Cat

May 19, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

BILTONG: Alright, this is Biltong talking here (the tiny grey, distinguished-looking Oriental). We have been taking a lot of crap from Amarula (the FAT and ugly tortie–I mean what kind of color is that?? Are you black, orange or beige! Make up your mind! She looks like Halloween threw up all over her!) and now it is my brother, Zulu, and my turn to have our say. We LOVE being indoor cats. It’s the life!

Here are the top reasons why being indoors is ideal!

1. We know where the best sunbeams are in every corner of the house:

2. We never have to worry about coming face to face with our neighbor dog Major or any of those giant Canadian rats called “racoons”

3. We never have to worry about getting fleas unless one catches a ride on Amarula (which frankly, with her hygiene, is a pretty high risk despite mom using Advantage® on her)

4. We never get chased up a tree by the aformentioned nefarious neighbor dog and then have all the neighbors come out and point and laugh as we try to make our way head-first down the tree–so humiliating! How can Amarula show her face around here again–imagine running from a dog wearing a bow tie!

5. We never have to worry about coming home smelling like skunk (or maybe that is Amarula’s natural odor?!)

6. We don’t have to worry about the gang of local squirrels beating us up looking for peanuts.

7. We can take our morning constitutional inside without prying eyes, in the privacy of our own litter box. When Amarula goes the whole neighborhood can watch her!

8. We get to keep mom company while she works at her computer:

9. We know where all the best heating vents are!

10. Finally, the best is when mom decides to give us a wet food treat and calls Amarula but she doesn’t come in so we get her share! (The dolt is probably unconscious in a ditch somewhere hopped up on wild cat grass!)

Feline Deep Thought of the Day

April 17, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

ZULU: Sometimes I am in the middle of grooming myself and I wonder: What is the point of it all? Why do I work so hard to make myself look so good? But then I glance at myself in the mirror and I think, “Oh yeah. I’m worth it!”

Thank God Winter is Almost Over!

April 4, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

There are many reasons I don’t like winter—the snow, the ice, being trapped indoors, being forced to endure extra cuddle time with my human, and the slight chill to my morning Friskies pate. But by far the worst part of winter is the time indoors that I am forced to spend with the kittens, Zulu and Biltong. They are relentless in their pursuit of my attention. My hissy fits and tail slaps leave them unfazed.

Biltong has even taken to trying to wash me:

My efforts to hide have been futile:

We even eat together! Underlings should never eat with the Alpha!

They are EVERYWHERE.

They have even begun to steal my sunbeams! Anyone want a couple of so-so kittens?

My Favorite Toy

March 16, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

BILTONG: Normally, sharing and hugs are two of my favorite things. But the one thing I don’t like sharing or exchanging hugs for is my sparkly pom-pom balls! They are all mine!

In fact, when Zulu and Amarula aren’t looking I hide them all in the floor grates throughout the house so they can’t have them (of course, that also means I can’t have them until mom comes and opens the grate and gets them all out!)

My favorite thing of all is when I sit with my sparkly ball in front of the heating vent! Heaven!

Paws off my sparkly balls!

Nemesis of the Month: Racoons

February 25, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

As a stranger in a strange land, I am learning new things everyday about Canadians and their strange culture and habits. Worse yet is the new wildlife species I have to get to know!

Well you can imagine my surprise when I came face-to-face with this ferocious looking creature on our back porch!

At first I thought it was some kind of giant rat! I mean we had rats in South Africa but nothing like this! But then I heard the human describe it as a “Racoon.” I must say I am envious of the way the creature seems able to open any form of garbage containment unit to get to the juicy interior! I am also jealous of his cool black mask that covers his eyes! I wish I had one. But still, despite some cool attributes, I don’t like the way he walks around MY backyard acting like he owns the place! So the racoon is my nemesis of the month!

Feline Deep Thought of the Day

February 18, 2014/0 Comments/in Hairballs and Hissy Fits/by Amarula

AMARULA: Sometimes when my human disappoints me, like when she pets me three times instead of two and a half like I wanted or she doesn’t check at the door every five minutes to see if I want back inside, I think of killing her. But then I think, if I killed her, who would feed me? So I let her live.