Something Wicked This Way Comes: A Feline Phantom!?!

AMARULA: As you know, the Human and Zulu have been very sad since Biltong died (and I must admit to missing him just a little). I was worried the Human would do something crazy like go out and get another cat just when I was finally down to only one live-in-nemesis, Zulu. But lately, the Human has been acting quite excitable and furtive. I fear something terrible is afoot. Recently I’ve begun to feel as though I am being watched at every turn! Even as I try to nap…

i fell like i am being watched

I’m just being paranoid, right? Tell me there’s nothing behind me!

thisissonotgoingtohappen

No matter where I go, I can’t shake the feeling I’m being followed. Even in my special “Happy Place” box, I feel as though some menacing presence is looming near, pressing down upon me…

notquiteright

But when I turn around and investigate the box, I find nothing!

butnomatterwhereturncan'tseeanything

 

No where is safe! Even while I’m outside surveying my kingdom, I sense an ominous life-force watching me. Do we perhaps have a bat infestation?…

watchingasiroamoutside

I thought I caught a glimpse of a red flame of maliciousness running from my litter box, but alas it escaped me…

i hear something in litter box-but catch only shadow

ZULU: Though I am loath to agree with you Amarula, I too have felt a strange presence nearby. It is getting me all confused and turned around!

pffft they suspect nothing

 

ZULU: But I find it a warm, welcoming spirit that I just can’t wait to meet!

AMARULA: Oh Brother! Whoa! Zulu…I feel it here right now!….Come take a look and tell me please that there is nothing behind me….

be honest zulu is ther somthing behind me-sdo u see it too

 

AMARULA: All I want to know is who’s been sitting in my chair!??

frodo

What could it be!??…to be continued….

Nemesis of the Month: Odin the Puppy

AMARULA: Well, just when I thought I was actually about to get through a month without a Nemesis, suddenly Odin appeared! I was minding my own business, surveying my domain when he appeared with my neighbor!

Here I am all happiness pre-puppy; the easy-going and lovable Amarula you have all come to know and love:

domaine

Then this MONSTROSITY appeared (Be warned: the sight is so horrible and frightening that young children and those with weak constitutions should avert their eyes…):

odin1

odin

 

what'sthis

Don’t let his furry fluffiness fool you! The little guy is filled with doggy dastardly deeds! I kept a careful eye on him.

fuzzyfurball

Clearly suffering from the same pea-sized intellect that all dogs possess, he did not seem to realize my inherent supremacy and was not at all as fearful of me as he should have been! I gave him my best death stare, and for a moment he actually seemed to bow down to me:

starehimdown

Sadly, taking leave of whatever minuscule sense he possessed, he started to get closer to me:

onlymovedcloser

To make matters worse, my Human and her neighbor merely laughed and went on about how cute the whole situation was. They even idiotically droned on about how we could one day be…GASP… best friends! So I did the only thing a self-respecting feline could:

I approached the middle of the road:

go intotheroad

And lay down and began to pray for a car to put me out of my misery!:

waittodie1

Sadly, we do not live on a busy street so this could take awhile…..

waittodie2

 

Cool Cat of the Month: Malvolio

mal3

MAL: Before you even begin with your interview Amarula, let me just tell you that I am usually too busy terrorizing the neighborhood mice and keeping the humans in line in my area to take time out for an interview. But you’re cute and I hear you have access to a major supply of cat nip, so I’ll talk. It’s been awhile since I’ve had some ‘nip and I’m starting to crash…

catnip

AMARULA: Well we certainly appreciate your time Mal. If I may be so bold, you are certainly the most suave Siamese I have ever come across. Meow!!

MAL: Control yourself Amarula!

AMARULA: Sorry about that….the autumn air makes me crazy! Now as I understand it you are actually a stray cat…

MAL: ….not stray…the PC term is “Unfettered and Fancy-Free Feline.” And yes you are correct. I have been roaming this neighborhood for about 10 years, and though many have tried to imprison—or as the humans say “adopt”—me I prefer to remain a roaming renegade. For the last year or so I have been spending most of my time with a human I know only as “he who brings me duck breast and chicken pate.” But I believe your Human knows him as William, her brother.

hit the road

AMARULA: Well tell us why you decided to spend so much time with William and deign to grace his abode with your presence.

MAL: Well there are several reasons really. He is a chef at a restaurant, which means he always brings me the most scrumptious treats like fresh turkey, butter chicken and steak. We are also of like-minds in terms of our housekeeping philosophy, which is “Dirt has rights too! So let it thrive.” I find that his shambolic living space encourages mice, and despite my elevated gourmet tastes, I still like a good mouse now and again!

AMARULA: What do you like doing in your spare time for fun?

Mal: Well, clearly I enjoy “redecorating” by making what was once a useless piece of furniture my own personal scratching post.

malchair

I also enjoy gnawing on ankles and facing down foes with my “You-have-five-seconds-to-live-unless-you-make-yourself-scarce-or-give-me-chicken” stare, which has been known to put the fear of death into humans, dogs and mice alike.

mal1

AMARULA: Thanks so much Mal. Hope to meet you again soon!

MAL: See you later Amarula! Time to hit the road. Gotta do my nightly neighborhood patrol! There’s so many dogs to chase and so little time!

mal2

hithte road 2

Squirrel Hunt, Feline Style!

AMARULA: As you know, squirrels are one of the bane’s of my existence. Out of sheer desperation to rid myself and my territory of those little furry balls of ferociousness, I have actually lowered myself to enlist the aid of yet another bane of my existence: Zulu.

Today the plan is to teach Zulu how to hunt squirrels so that he can help me clear out my beloved backyard (later I will worry about clearing Zulu out!).

Alright Zulu, the first step is to assess the threat level. Look to your right, to your left and into the trees to see where the squirrels are laying in wait:

what's that

The next step is to lull them into a false sense of security. Try to look lazy and like you really have no idea what’s going on (which God knows should not be too hard for you…)

enoughlazyingabout

Now move about the yard and try to observe your prey. Always try to stay behind them! Don’t let them get behind you!

zulusqui1

That’s right, always keep them in sight!

insight

Now follow my lead:

followmylead

Look how close we are Zulu!

amizulusq

Get ready…

amizusq

Charge!

gogetthem

Oh No! They are smarter than I thought! Watch out Zulu! They are going for your leash!

goingforyourleash

leadingcataroundbycollarlooksfun

There are too many of them Zulu! You are surrounded! Abort Abort!

getoutzulu abort abort

AMARULA: OK Zulu. I have to admit you put in a valiant effort. Looks like we’ll have to try plan B: the Peanut Lure. Just hold real still and close your eyes and I’ll take care of everything…

peanuttrap1

That’s right…trust me Zulu…those squirrels will soon be ours…you won’t feel a thing…

thetrapisset1

Nemesis of the Month (part 2): Squirrels

Yes, yes I know, I know…I already said my nemesis of the month was the harness. And it is! It is! But there are just so many things to be vigilant about and so many annoyances to deal with when you are “Supreme Commander of the World” that some months I just have to do a double-bill. Which brings me to my long-time nemesis:  Squirrels. They have been one of my major adversaries since the Human catnapped me from South Africa and took me with her to Canada. Canadian squirrels have been taunting me since I arrived in this maple syrup-infested, snow-loving country. Lately, the creatures have been particularly pesky. Though they have never shown me the respect I deserve, they have become even more disrespectful since the Human got my new collar.

When I’m just sitting around minding my own business, they gang up on me.

gangup2

 

No matter where I try to hide relax, they find me.

hide1

Knowing that climbing is one of the few skills I have not yet mastered, they tempt me to chase them up a tree and then, just out of reach, they leave me there to be rescued by the Human.

treed

They have even taken it upon themselves to terrorize Zulu! That’s my job!

zuluandsq1

 

To make matters worse, they found my secret stash of peanuts and amuse themselves by eating the delicious treats in front of me.

taunt2

 

And don’t even get me started about the squirrels’ cousin; that diminutive devil known as the chipmunk…

chippy

Curse those little fuzzy balls of fury! But fear not dear reader! I shall have my revenge. I have something planned….soon, very soon…they shall be banished from MY backyard! Oh yes! The last peanut shall be mine!

last peanut

 

Nemesis of the Month: the Harness

As you all know, my ambrosial outdoor environment became a little less heavenly when a harnessed Zulu was allowed to finally leave his indoor cat-containment unit (aka the house) for supervised outdoor visits.

zulusotiresom

While I did enjoy sitting on his leash and preventing him from going anywhere, things have taken an ugly turn recently. Obviously, his taste of freedom has gone to his head. In an effort to establish dominance over the backyard, he actually challenged me to a cat fight! Clearly, someone had a little too much cat nip this morning!

First, he tried to stare me down (a classic amateur move)!

catfight1

When that didn’t work, he actually tried the more advanced “aggressive tail and teeth combo.”

ctfight4

Finally, sensing his end was near, he tried to get physical with a round of fisticuffs.

i don't think so-i'm boss

Growing bored at his laughable attempts at supremacy, I went in for the killing blow: My famous “You-are-sooooooooooo-going-to-be-sorry” stare.

catfight5

As predicted, the poor boy’s knees immediately turned to mush and he fell prostrate to the ground. He begged for his life as I stood over him victorious, my rule as “Outdoor Oligarch” once more established.

ok i give uyp

ZULU: Actually Amarula I tripped over one of your giant hairballs and fell to the ground.

AMARULA: Silence peon! Curse you and your havoc-causing harness!

 

It’s Hip to Be Harnessed!

ZULU: For my fans out there (and I know there are millions) wondering whether I am still enjoying life as a semi-outdoor (a.k.a harnessed and supervised) cat, I believe the photos say it all:

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I can run like the wind!

run like the wind

I’m flying!! Try to catch me Amarula! I’m so fast you can’t even see me!!

whee

Well, wait a minute here! This is something worth braking for! Nobody ever told me that the outdoors is filled with lovely ladies who have nothing better to do than give me the attention I so rightfully deserve! Meooooooooooooow!

this never happend to amarula-pretty ladies

 

Leashed and Loving It!

 

zulusotiresom

 

ZULU: As you know, mom has recently been taking me outside

AMARULA: Cats in the know don’t call it “outside” Zulu. It is known as “The Fiefdom of Feline Freedom” or,  better yet, “Amarula’s Domain”…

ZULU: Shhhhhh Amarula! It’s my turn to talk. I have to wear a harness but I don’t mind cause I love being outdoors! Despite my thirst for attention from mom…

AMARULA: You mean your neediness…

ZULU: …And my well-earned reputation as a lady’s man (not only am I incredibly dashing but, though I usually hide from men, I often come out from under the bed to say hi to the ladies!) I can be ever so slightly timid…

AMARULA: You mean neurotic…

ZULU: …As I was saying, I used to think I would never want to leave the house—aka, the cat-containment unit—and go outside, but I am having a great time! I don’t even mind that being outside means I have to spend more time with Amarula!

zuandami

Amarula is even telling me all kinds of secrets about life as an outdoor cat. She said she’s  going to help me get into an exclusive feline club that she’s already a member of: “The Society of Cantankerous & Caterwauling, Unshackled Outdoor Cats.”

secret

Amarula says there’s a special initiation rite I have to pass before becoming accepted. I just have to leave the back yard when mom’s not looking, befriend the German Shepard across the street by eating from his food bowl, go through the Walmart parking lot while avoiding the gang of ne’er-do-well feral cats, then walk 20 blocks and cross a very busy highway with my eyes closed until I reach the cat club house. If I can do all that I will be granted membership into the club!

AMARULA: Finally my plan to get rid of Zulu is coming to fruition… mmmmmwwwwahahahahahaha….

whome2

ZULU: Well, I was about to set off when mom found out what Amarula was up to and put a stop to her dastardly plans!

AMARULA: I’m outta here…..

hey what's going on

ZULU: Despite Amarula’s little prank, I still love the outdoors!

 

zulusqui1

 

 

 

Invasion of the Backyard Snatcher

AMARULA: Well, as you all know, I am quite proud (and take a great deal of pleasure) at being the only outdoor cat in the Human’s feline duo. I have spent many an enjoyable hour making fun of Zulu and his INDOOR life of imprisonment. Well, apparently things are about to change.

I was basking in the glory of MY backyard when suddenly, I sensed a change in the air. Something was not right. It was as though someone was watching me. A terrible sense of doom befell me.

exhausted

This can’t be happening! My walls have been breached! My territory is being invaded! Apparently, the Human, in some misguided attempt to make Zulu feel better after the loss of his brother, has decided to take Zulu outside on some kind of torture device (the Human calls it a harness) for supervised playtime.

leahed and loving iut

I tried to get Zulu to agree to at least go our separate ways when outdoors…Zulu you go your way, I’ll go mine!

can'tlookatyou

But Zulu was having none of it! No matter where I went he found me!

upandunder

I tried closing my eyes to see if that would make him disappear:

ificlosemyeyesitwillgoaway

But alas, no luck! He’s sticking around like a bad hairball!

take a closer look

I believed all was lost, but just as I thought this was yet another event to add to my list of reasons why it’s “Time for My Human to Die” I discovered something very interesting…

my weeds

There is a long leash attached to Zulu’s harness…

leash3

…And if I sit or stand on it, Zulu can’t move…
oh wait what's this...if i sit on it... this summer jsut got a lot more interesting

Better yet, if I pull the leash, Zulu must follow where I lead!

leash6

leash2 leash4

i said this way

 

Oh yeah! This summer just got a lot more interesting!